Day 33

Thirty-three days. That is how long I have been trying to eat as clean as I can and exercise. That isn't very long in comparison to my 45 years and 2 months of existence. Even if you knock off say 16 years for not knowing any better and being young. You can actually take off a few more years till let's say the summer that I found out I was going to be a dad. I would have been 24 that summer, so another 8 years.  Wait, back in 09 I did two and a half rounds of P90X and did well with the diet so I can shave off another 6 months. For 20.5 years I worked out some and ate whatever. Splicing in some weird diet here and there or failed attempts to "low carb" it with some half assed workouts.

Over that 20 years I quickly gained weight to an average of 300 to 320 pounds. I fluctuated from there to as high as 385. I know that most of the time has been over 300 as when I was in nursing school in 95, I was 295 and when I saw that weight for the first time I was shocked. I really couldn't do much about it at the time. Nursing school, work and family consumed my life. I lost my personal identity and became a person I would look at now and grab by the shoulders and shake until they were out of their "zombie" mode.

Back then I was a walking, talking zombie. I did as I was (basically told) guided to do. I lost who I was. Finding oneself is not an easy task either. I don't understand how it all started, but I do know what the result was. I became depressed. I hated myself, my wife, my job and everyone around me. The end result of all that hate, mostly self hate, was that I treated my body like a landfill. I dumped all the garbage I could into it. Then you cover it up with stuff to make it look as good as possible, knowing all well that just below the surface there was tons and tons of garbage. That is what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

There is a point when you look in the mirror and see a glimpse of that former self and you catch yourself doing a double take. "Oh just you." Then flick off the light. I don't want those trips by the mirror to be walks of shame any longer. I had to find that person that used to play basketball and workout at lunch when I was 23. I want to be that person who would take their shirt off at the beach or the pool and feel no shame or embarrassment. I can't take the years back. I can't go back in time and warn myself of what not to do. All I can do is what I need to do to be that guy again. I ate good then and worked out. That is what I have to do now.

Easier said than done? Yes! Worth it? Absolutely!  So only 33 days in on a new way of looking at things. Sure, only 33 days, but it is 33 days that I have taken back for me. I plan on taking back years for me. This is only the beginning and I know people who see me say thing like this and think "what has gotten into him". I can understand that. I wasn't happy. I'm not exactly happy now, but I am determined, focused and a little pissed off. Mostly at me. I am going to do what it takes to bring that guy back that I used to be, just older and a little wiser I hope.

Week 4, Day 2 Dynamix done...